I sit here, pondering, breasts hanging out from the covers, my heated sighs ricocheting off of the computer screen. I wonder, through all the cluster of people I have involved myself with, male and female, what the difference between each of them is. If I end up with this person, this person who sits, absolved of his actions with no care of remedy, what makes him so different from the rest? I've been with over a hundred different guys, because of some quality that struck in my eye and commanded me to knock that quality or that guy off the list of accomplishments. I've been with all of these guys, kept some for longer than others, had hopes that some would stay and hopes that some would just fall off the face of the earth. There was a small collection that I thought would last, be good ones to bring home to dad, and now two remain that I thought and think I may spend the rest of my life with. To the latter, I just wonder when the chips will fall in disarray and the realization that all the carp in this sea are filled with the shit they live in will reveal itself.
Is it environment that merely is destroying certain nights or the fact that our priorities are different? Does our age matter that much where the things that bother me are just trivial and juvenile to him? And coming from a person who was consumed by judgmental pretentious people, if all of this is true, what makes his word and thought valid to me?
Things will never be perfect...sometimes I wonder why I must keep fighting for a life I am apathetic to continue.
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